If there’s one thing coronavirus can’t ruin, it’s that 2020 will be over come January 1. An annus horribilis if ever there was one, few will mourn its passing, but sweeping coronavirus restrictions mean most of us will have to watch the end of year festivities from the isolation of our front rooms.

Fortunately, of all the events claimed by Covid, New Year’s Eve surely ranks among the worst, and most people have as many bad memories of New Year’s as good ones. Here’s why New Year’s is rubbish every year – not just in 2020…

The pressure to have fun is an issue

Everyone knows New Year’s is the biggest night of the year, so you’ll be having the biggest night of the year whether you feel like it or not. The main event lasts approximately one second, and the rest of the evening is a bog-standard party masquerading as a special occasion.

Someone will get too drunk

There’s always one. With the exception of Halloween (which, for what it’s worth, is also rubbish), New Year’s occupies a uniquely alcoholic spot in the calendar, so someone will inevitably sour the mood by throwing up on the tablecloth, hitting on someone they shouldn’t, or getting a little too political a little too early.

Of course, it could worse. It could be you. And worse of all, it’ll all be on Zoom this year.

New Year’s resolutions are annoying

If there are people out there that stick to their New Year’s resolutions we’re quite happy not knowing them. For us mere mortals, resolutions are exercises in performative regret, and inevitable proofs of our ill-discipline.

Going out is a terrible mistake

There are some silver linings to this pandemic after all… not being able to go ‘out out’ on NYE being one of them. We hope you like being cold and sober, because that’s where a New Year’s night out usually ends up. In normal life, you head out for fireworks, or even to a club, and spend much of your evening queuing or jockeying for position among the crowds. When the festivities are over, it’s January, and that’s no time to be stranded out in the elements with a rapidly disintegrating beer blanket.

It’s a bad time to be single

We’re not sure how midnight on December 31 turned into an informal second Valentine’s Day, but there’s an entire Friends episode devoted to the horrors of not having someone to kiss at midnight. There’s no better time to be reminded of your singledom than when drunk, knowing people around the world are happily snogging.

It divides friendship groups

No one wants to be the person without a party on New Year’s, but most people have been that person at least once. The race to host New Year’s starts in November at the latest, and if you have multiple friend groups you have divided loyalties. For some unfortunate souls those friend groups splinter in unhelpful directions, leaving them alone on the year’s most sociable night.

Thank goodness we’ve had a reprieve this year.

The hangover will ruin you

They say you should start as you mean to go on. We hope calendars are an exception, because if they’re not, every year will be spent nauseous, regretful, and hunched over the toilet bowl.