The problem…

“I’m seeking your advice on my relationship with my wife, to whom I’ve been married for more than 50 years (I’m 73 and she’s 68). About four years ago, we separated pending divorce – but we are now back under the one roof, although things aren’t good between us.

“The separation came about because of her failure to listen to any advice about her medical issues (chronic nerve pain, type 2 diabetes) and an unpleasant female friend she had. The ‘friend’ uses her wealth to try and impress people and win their friendship – she was the ‘gooseberry’ in our relationship, cutting me out of holidays etc.

“As for my wife’s health, she ignores all the doctor’s advice on exercise and diet, and she became reliant on pain-killing medication to the point of addiction. When she left, she moved into a flat alone for about six months, but she had a medical episode and was only released from hospital on condition that she returned home to live with me and our sons. I was told to ensure she did not take unnecessary pain-killing medication.

“Two years on, things have not changed. She still won’t exercise (at all) and won’t eat a balanced diet. We did go to a marriage guidance counsellor together for 10 sessions, however we seem to lead separate lives with separate interests and hobbies, and I can’t get her to spend time with me.

“Every time I raise the issues I’ve mentioned, all I get is verbal aggression. She seems immovable and I am worried we are on the path that led to our separation, and while I can see I might be happier without her, I am loathe to undergo the drama and costs involved in moving out. She must realise that she has a problem, because she is currently going to a counsellor herself. Where to now?”

Fiona says…

“Your wife seems set on a path of self-destruction, if she’s ignoring all medical advice about her various health conditions. She could be driving herself towards an early grave, which is – even though your relationship is strained – I feel sure not something you would want. She is, however, also seeing a counsellor, so there is some hope that she’s trying to do something about it.

“Are there others that might be willing to intercede? You mention your sons and I’m guessing, given your wife’s age, that they are adults. Would they be willing to talk to her and point out how self-destructive she is being? Hearing it from them, or perhaps from another caring relative (even that friend of hers you don’t really like!) might make her change direction.

“If she did that, she might be more willing to do and share things with you, which would hopefully help improve your relationship. If she won’t though, I fear there is little hope for improvement in the way you feel about each other.

“You say you’ve had 10 sessions with a marriage guidance counsellor, but it doesn’t sound as if you made any progress to improving your relationship? Perhaps your marriage has run its course, and that leading separate lives would make you both happier. I imagine your wife feels no better than you do with the present situation.

“I can also understand why you feel that, at your age, divorce seems like an expensive and destructive thing to do, but is there any way you could live your lives differently? Could you, for example, divide your home into two separate accommodations, where you could live under the same roof but independently? It might mean some resources have to be shared, but if you could both come and go as you pleased, it might mean you’d both feel happier.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.