The problem…

“When I married my husband, I always thought taking on two step-children would be tough – and I’m sad to say I’ve been proven right. They’re both teenagers and come to visit us every weekend, and each time it’s the same. We go to enormous lengths to make them welcome – cinemas, meals and trips etc – but all they seem to want to do is sit in front of the television or play computer games.

“I don’t mind doing this to help my husband keep a close connection with them, but what really gets to me is that our entire weekend is given over to them and we never have any time for ourselves. What with travelling to pick them up from their mother, cooking meals for them, planning excursions, it’s exhausting. By the end of the weekend, I’m worn out, and what upsets me more is we never get any thanks.

“They don’t help to tidy up and their rooms are always left in a complete mess. They barely seem to talk to us and most of the time they are so grumpy, it’s impossible to talk to them. It’s really putting pressure on our relationship and we’re permanently exhausted, especially my husband, who is trying so hard.

“He has a round trip of 110 miles every weekend to collect and return them to their mother. He is desperate for them to see this as their second home, but they just seem to treat us as a doss house. Something has to change, but I just can’t see how.”

Fiona says…

“I agree – the current arrangements aren’t helping you or your husband, but equally, his children don’t seem too happy about things either! I suspect your husband is trying desperately to make things right for them, but what he’s not doing is talking to them and finding out what they want from all this.

“They sound like typical teenagers to me – they probably have a busy week at school and want to slob at weekends. On top of that, it may well be that they want to spend time with their friends at weekends, and the current arrangements aren’t allowing for this. I’m sure they want to see their father (and you too, potentially) but being teenagers, their friends are really important, and hanging out together is almost certainly something they’re missing.

“It sounds to me that a four-way chat is needed, to find some middle-ground and adopt a more flexible approach to these visits. This could possibly mean less frequent visits, or it might mean longer, less frequent stays. I think you also need to think less about ‘entertaining’ them. They would probably enjoy just spending time around the house with you and with each other, rather than an endless string of outings and cinema trips.

“So please talk to them more about this – ask if they’d rather play computer games than go on an outing somewhere. Giving them choices and letting them decide what they want to do is important for them to grow and mature anyway, so it’s worth doing for that alone. You’ll probably find that the children will be just as relieved as you are over this.

“One final point – if your house is to be treated as their second home, I believe they should be encouraged to take their fair share of domestic chores. At the moment, it sounds like they are being treated as guests, and that’s not what you – or they probably – want. Get them helping with the food preparation, the washing up and be firmer about the way they leave their rooms!

“I don’t know whether or not you are in a position to talk to their mother, but if you could involve her too, you might find out more about their wants and needs. You might also like to contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) that has a lot of support, advice and information to help stepfamilies.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.