The problem…

“I am in a situation I don’t know how to face, or what decision to make. I am 55, and I separated from my husband after 20 years of continuous abuse. I met my current partner about two months before I left my husband, and he made me realise what had been happening to me and helped me to leave.

“When we fell in love, he already wanted to leave his wife; he’d had several extramarital affairs, which his wife had accepted, but for various reasons, they never quite managed to separate.

“I moved to be nearer my partner and, with a good income, set up a home. For the first three years, my partner lived with me – but my children often visit and he doesn’t have a good relationship with them, so he moved out. He, however, has not separated and is still married to his wife. He supports her financially since she doesn’t work; she’s 62 and has health issues, made worse as their son died by suicide.

“This was just after our relationship began and we were still getting to know one another, and both in a lot of pain. He is trying to sell the house he bought for his son, while his wife lives in a rented apartment – but he takes care to see she doesn’t lack for anything. They talk all the time and I know he goes to see her, although he denies this – but they have never really separated, and his family have never accepted me.

“We have no mutual friends or social life where we live, and he doesn’t want to know anything about my family, but he does spend time with me and helps me a lot with my home and garden. I used to have a good social life but not anymore. However, I’ve adapted to this.

“I just don’t understand why he won’t get a divorce; I didn’t leave my life to live like this and I get angry when he lies to me. The relationship is degrading, and I’ve broken up with him several times, but we always get back together. His wife depends on him economically and emotionally, so I don’t know what to do.”

Fiona says…

“I’m so sorry this relationship makes you feel disrespected, because it’s clear the two of you depend a lot on one another. Whilst it isn’t fair that, after promising to separate from his wife, he didn’t do so, it’s also understandable that he feels a responsibility for her. She’s got health issues and having to cope with the suicide of one of her children can only have made these worse.

“You were brave to walk away from 20 years of abuse in your marriage, and you can be brave now. You can either chose to live life on your own, or you can carry on as you are – in a part-time relationship with a man you obviously care about.

What I don’t think you are going to get is a separation from his wife. Losing a child to suicide is a tragedy, and for this to have occurred so soon after you met one another, will have changed a lot for your partner. Whatever he said, or felt, before that event may have gone out of the window. All the things he thought he wanted may have changed, and there is now a very different kind of bond with his wife that will be hard for him to break. Can you understand that – because if you can, then I think there is a chance for your relationship to improve.

“What you really need, I think, is for the lies to stop, and for his children to at least show you some respect. Make it clear that you accept him seeing his wife but don’t want him to lie about it anymore. As for his children, whilst they may not accept your relationship, they should at least show you a degree of politeness. If he has any influence over them at all, he should be able to get them to behave better towards you.

“I do wonder why he doesn’t get on with your children – could it be because they remind him of what he’s lost? You are in a relationship with someone who has dealt with difficult times, and so have you. You probably help one another a lot, but if you can’t accept that help on the terms he feels able to offer now, then it might be time to end things for good.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.