The problem…

“About three years ago, I met a divorced man with two teenage children. He and his wife had only been separated about six months, but the relationship had been on the rocks for years. My own marriage had been over for a couple of years and I’d made a new life for myself.

“We were very much in love, but his children refused to have anything to do with me. He wanted to marry me, but in the end he decided he would lose his children if he did, so we went our separate ways. I was heartbroken.

“I started going out with other people after about six months but there was never the spark I had with him. Occasionally we’d bump into one another, but it was always the wrong time – either he was with someone, or I was. Last November though, we bumped into one another again, and to cut a long story short, we got back together.

“It didn’t take long for me to realise I was still just as much in love with him as I had been before. What’s more, his children, now a little older, have met me and we all get along so well – we all spent Christmas together. So, what’s the problem? Well, when I asked him how he felt now about marrying me, he said he doesn’t think he wants to get married again. I was so shocked because he was the one that was so keen to marry before.

“Now I’m confused and left wondering if we have a future together, or if I should leave him and find someone else?”

Fiona says…

“I wonder if you have actually asked him why he has changed his mind about marriage? When you were with this man before, he had not long come out of a marriage and, at that time, marriage might have seemed like the normal progression of a relationship to him. Three years on, with many different experiences under his belt, it could be that time on his own has made him feel that going through a wedding again isn’t right for him.

“Many couples live together without getting married and it could be that he doesn’t feel the need for a legal contract with a partner. Or it might still have something to do with his children – possibly that he doesn’t want to take the risk of upsetting them again – or possibly it’s financial. You won’t know what his reasoning is unless you talk to him about it.

“If marriage had never been under consideration between you, it might be quite hard to broach the subject, but it was so it shouldn’t be so hard to ask him why he has changed his mind. Unless he tells you how he feels, you won’t know what you want to do about it, and whether you still want to be with him. So, talk to him and don’t make any decisions until you understand his reasons.

“You could also spend some time thinking why you want to be married – what does it actually mean to you? Is there a feeling of insecurity that you think a marriage will help you overcome? If that’s the case, I’d tackle that feeling right away because you know, from bitter experience, that marriage doesn’t glue people together for life.

“People stay together because they love, trust and respect one another, and you don’t need a wedding to prove that to each other.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.