The problem…

“My parents never liked my boyfriend – but perhaps they were right about him, much as I hate to admit it. They never took to him from the beginning, but I was a snotty teenager and thought I knew better. It was also part of my rebellion against them, when I decided I loved him and left home to move in with him. Now it looks as if my decisions were very wrong.

“Three years and two kids later, I’m living as a single parent in a grotty flat with a man who is barely ever there. He pops in and out as and when he feels like it, and he’s already left me once to live with someone else. She’s obviously not as patient with him as I’ve been, because whenever they have a row or something, he comes back to me.

“He tells me that he wants to live with me again but that she needs him because she’s got health issues. I am not even sure if I believe him anymore, and I think maybe the time has come for us to split up. My parents have said they will help me and the kids, but not if he is around still. Should I give in to them? I feel so confused all the time and such a failure.”

Fiona says…

“You have already separated from your boyfriend, and he is living with someone else. How much more evidence do you need that this relationship is over? He is telling you that this other woman needs him but he’s the father of your two small children – are her needs really greater than theirs? And you are left to bring those children up without him – surely that represents a need for help and support too. If he really believes this woman is more important than all that, he’s fooling himself – so don’t let him fool you anymore.

“Having said that, your parents do need to understand that he is the father of your children, so he may never be out of your life completely. He has shown you that he can’t sustain a relationship and he seems unwilling to be a supportive father, so he has no right to make any demands of you at all.

“He is behaving in a way that is both selfish and immature and you certainly can’t rely on him to support you and your children, so you need to organise a life for yourself and for them without him. Your parents are willing to help you with this – and accepting that help isn’t ‘giving in’. We all make mistakes, so there’s no harm in admitting to yours and it’s not a sign of failure to turn to your parents for help in a situation like this, it’s a sign of a loving and supportive family.

“I would also suggest you contact your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau, where they will help you sort out your affairs and access any support you may be entitled to. You can find details of your local branch through their website (citizensadvice.org.uk) where you’ll find plenty of other useful information as well. Once you’ve got a proper structure in place, then, assuming this man still wants to, you can work out access arrangements for him to see the children.

“Even if they say, ‘We told you so’, I’m sure your parents love you and want the best for you, but you’ll probably feel better about taking their help if you’ve managed to sort a lot out for yourself too. That way, you won’t feel like you’re giving in to anyone.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.