The problem…

“My husband and I are both Christian but our marriage is toxic and abusive. I was a single mum, leaving an abusive relationship with my daughter’s father when we met, and we got married quickly. He told me he would treat me differently and everyone said I should give him a chance. I was never deeply in love, but I figured I should try a change, so I moved in with him and became a stay-at-home mum.

“I soon found out he had lied to me a lot about who he was, his income, and mental issues. I became pregnant two weeks into our marriage, but I became very depressed because he wasn’t connected to the pregnancy or to me. We fought a lot, so I left and moved in with my parents for three months, during which time he cheated on me with a prostitute; however, I played a part in his cheating by allowing him to.

“We went to marriage counselling and the counsellor suggested we separate. But he apologised, and I decided to stay in the marriage and fight for it. Since then, I got pregnant with our third child and he treated me the same way; distant, cold, and unavailable throughout the pregnancy. He says he didn’t want me to get pregnant, but he never wanted to use condoms either.

“Now we constantly fight. Each time, he gets more and more aggressive, and I’m starting to feel more afraid of him. I had to call the police recently because he was doing it in front of my oldest daughter. After our fights, he acts like nothing has happened and just moves on with life.

“I’m completely unhappy in this marriage and have never been able to grow in love with him; I’m more afraid every day and it’s affecting my self-esteem. I’ve tried to leave, but I can’t. I went to my parent’s house to get away and he left our little kids outside on their porch. He says I’m their mother and I have to look after them, but I had nowhere for them to sleep.

“I’m truly unsure if this is abuse because he hasn’t hit me, but I know I’m going through emotional abuse. Should I still stay to fight and work through my marriage with him to see if he will change, or leave?”

Fiona says…

“You say you and your husband are both Christian, but this isn’t very Christian behaviour on his part. Obviously, I wasn’t privy to your counselling sessions, but if a qualified counsellor thinks your marriage has deteriorated so far that you should part, then perhaps you should listen. What you’re going through sounds very abusive to me – don’t doubt yourself there – if you are sufficiently afraid of this man to call the police, then it’s abuse.

“Normally I would suggest trying to work through marriage problems with counselling – especially where children are involved – but you’ve tried this, and he won’t participate. So where does that leave you? You are unhappy, your children would appear to be unwanted by their father, and they may even be afraid if he’s threatened you in front of them, so what is keeping you?

“I’m wondering if it’s your religious beliefs that’s encouraging you to try and stay. If they are so very important to you, then I think it’s time to turn to your minister for advice and support. It is worth pointing out that your husband deceived you about many things at the start of your marriage – how does this affect his Christian beliefs, I wonder?

“For your own mental and physical health. as well as that of your children, things cannot continue as they are. I would encourage you to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk) for advice and support.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.