The problem…

“Four years ago, I met someone online. It turned out that he lied about his age, his financial and relationship status, and even his real name. Of course, I found all of this out later, and I forgave him for the dishonesty, but then after two years I found out he was dating someone else as well.

“I forgave him again and we moved in together, along with my children, but then I found he was still cheating. He has a son one year younger than my own, who, after I forgave my partner (again), moved in with us. We got engaged and then Covid hit. I soon found out that he was having inappropriate conversations with his son’s mum, who hates me for obvious reasons.

“My family doesn’t know any of the bad things I’ve allowed in this relationship, and we got married last month. As I write this, I feel shame. I just want peace and happiness, but we argue so much and he threatened to walk away. He even called me a dumbass, yet I’m still crying over him.

“I know what I should do but I’m afraid. I’ve invested a lot and now I’m married to him! I want to hear he will treat me right, and I don’t have the confidence to leave, but I hate myself for not wanting better. I’m not even sure what help I need!”

Fiona says…

“I wish I could tell you that this man will treat you properly, respect you and make you happy, but his past performance shows this to be highly unlikely. You know you deserve better than this. You have allowed yourself to be deceived and disrespected repeatedly, to the point that you no longer have confidence in yourself. Sadly, this happens to so many women who are abused – and make no mistake, what you are putting up with here sounds like abuse.

“You say you want peace and happiness, but I fear they are not things you will ever have, as long as you stay with someone who treats you so badly. I suspect you are embarrassed and ashamed to admit to your family what you have been through. There is really no need to be.

“You have shown yourself to be a trusting and generous person, willing to forgive other people’s mistakes, so why shouldn’t yours be forgiven too? Do please talk to them though, as I’m sure they’ll sympathise because there’s nothing wrong in wanting to be happy. You have children and I’m sure they can see how unhappy this relationship is making you – it’s not setting them a good example either. For their sakes as well as you own, you need to make a break, however difficult that may be.

“If your family won’t help you – and I truly hope they will – there are other resources you can turn to. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. Domestic abuse takes so many forms and whilst you don’t complain of any form of physical violence, there is certainly a whole load of emotional abuse taking place.

“You say you don’t know what help you need, but I think you know really – you need help to pluck up the confidence to call an end to this sham of a relationship.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.