The problem…

“I have been in a very supportive and loving relationship for six years now. My partner comes from a supportive and pretty healthy family, but I do not. We are talking about having children, but I have recently cut ties with my own ‘family’ as they are as toxic as radioactive fumes.“I wonder if lacking one side of a family would not take away from my potential children. I am also worried about being too damaged to be able to shield them from my own mental health issues. To make it short: I was raped and molested throughout my childhood by my ‘brother’. My relatives, in a typical narcissistic way, decided to do nothing and basically made me the scapegoat. It is a transgenerational issue as this happened to my aunt, and I suspect my grandmother as well.

“Much as I have tried to ‘fix’ the situation by truth-telling, I have only recently understood that they will not change, and will always put themselves first. I therefore took the step to say goodbye for good; it has been a horrendous grief, and as much as they have hurt me, I love and miss them.

“I am doing therapy (even though it feels like no one truly understands how bad it feels), I am reading a lot about narcissistic families, and I try my best to love and parent myself, most days. However, I am painfully aware of the wounds and baggage I will most likely carry for the rest of my life, and I don’t know if it’s not incredibly selfish to have kids in that mindset?

“I know they would have loving parents, who love each other and have travelled the world together. They would have financial stability, and I would do everything to protect them and make them feel safe. But wouldn’t it be unfair to them to not have a healthy mum, or my side of the family to feel normal and supported? Would I be doomed to be a bad mother? I am turning 33 soon and I have to make a choice.”

Fiona says…

“While most would-be parents wonder if they’ll be ‘good enough’, and most parents realise they are not perfect even though they try their best, I think few are as self-aware as you are. I’m sorry to read about the horrendous time you had as a child. But I’m glad you’ve moved beyond that to find someone who truly loves and supports you.

“You are concerned you wouldn’t be a ‘healthy mum’ but, whilst you may have on-going issues because of your wounds and baggage – many people have these but don’t realise it. You are self-aware and you say you and your partner would be loving parents; isn’t that the basis of what any child needs? You can provide them with financial stability as well, and you’re aware of the need to protect them and make them feel safe – I’d say that’s a pretty great opportunity for any child.

“They may be missing one set of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but from what you describe, they would be better off without these. There are many children growing up perfectly well without any extended family at all, and at least any child you have will have one set of loving grandparents.

“I don’t believe people are ‘doomed’ to be anything. We cannot escape our past, it’s always with us, but we can learn from it and move on from it, as you have taken steps to do. It is painful for you to be cut off from your family, but if all they do is hurt you, then you are better off this way.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.