The problem…

“My partner told me at the start of our relationship that he never watches porn and doesn’t even like it, but that it’s his oldest child that keeps sending him porn clips. He said he would delete this adult son [from his phone] if he didn’t stop sending it to him, and I believed him.

“Over the next four years, as we lived together, the conversation came up a few more times, and every time he denied it and blamed his kids. As his ex-wife took his son, who was then a small child, when they separated, they never had a relationship, so I never pushed him to delete his son as I understood he was trying to make up lost time.

“Four years into our relationship, I walked in on him totally emerged in a porn video he was watching on his phone. He didn’t even see me standing there in front of him and I was frozen in shock, unable to move or speak for 30 seconds or so. I reached for his phone, asking him what he was watching, but he moved it and refused to let me see.

“I ran outside, telling him not speak to me, as he was spitting out one lie after another. Finally, he said why don’t we just forgive each other and pretend this never happened? I was in so much shock, I couldn’t speak, as he finally admitted to watching porn the entire time we’d been together. He said every man watches it and it’s no big deal, but it is for me.

“Losing a loved one would hurt less than what he did to me. It’s now been a little over a year since I caught him and about six months since I’ve been on my own, but I still cry almost every day as it still hurts.”

Fiona says…

“You made it very clear from the start of your relationship that you didn’t find pornography acceptable, and your boyfriend recognised this. Despite this, he continued to watch pornography and, in my eyes, that’s a betrayal.

“It’s perfectly true that there are couples who don’t consider anything wrong with watching pornography – indeed many couples watch it together. If that’s something they both agree on and see as part of their relationship, then it’s not a betrayal. When someone has made it clear they don’t want porn in their relationship and the other person continues to watch it – that’s unacceptable.

“Had your boyfriend made it clear, from the start, that pornography was important to him – even though you made it clear it disgusted you, the relationship would probably have gone no further. The relationship simply wasn’t compatible and should never have continued as long as it did, as it was based on a lie.

“Whilst many men do watch porn and for some, it is no big deal, I personally don’t agree. People may think that makes me insecure – well, so be it – but I think it’s quite natural to feel insecure over the idea of my partner getting sexual pleasure from another women’s body. Just because the other woman is behind a screen doesn’t mean it’s any less of a betrayal – indeed, more so because I’ve made my views very clear.

“I think many women are uncomfortable when their partners watch porn, but go along with it because to complain lays them open to accusations of being a prude, controlling or insecure. If your boyfriend cared so little about hurting your feelings despite knowing how you felt, then he prioritised his desires and needs above yours. To me, he is not only selfish but also shows a complete lack of respect for you. Yes, it may hurt, and yes you may wonder whether you should have given him a second chance, but do you really want to be with someone like that? You can do better!”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.