The problem…

“My ex-husband and I broke up four years ago and we finally divorced last year. It was tricky and I can’t say it was amicable, but we got through it and have both moved on.

“Last week, I got a complete shock when my best friend t told me that she has been seeing my ex-husband, and they are planning to live together. I am certain they weren’t seeing each other when I was still married, so why does this make me feel angry?

“I’ve got absolutely no reason to feel this way. I’m the one who ended the marriage to be with someone else, so why should I feel like this? I haven’t spoken to my friend in over a week, yet the last thing I want to do is damage such a good friendship.

“I actually really hope my ex makes her happy – so what’s wrong with me? She’s a lovely person, he’s a nice guy even though he wasn’t the one for me, so why can’t I just be happy for them?”

Fiona says…

“Your best friend was very brave to tell you she’s been dating your ex – it must have been difficult for her, as she probably didn’t know how you’d react. As it was, she was right to be concerned, but whatever else, you can’t be angry about being kept in the dark.

“You’re sure she wasn’t having an affair with him whilst you were still married, so it can’t be that bothering you. I wonder if part of you was holding onto the possibility that you could return to your husband if your new relationship failed? Now that he is about to embark on a serious relationship of his own, this option is no longer available. Also, it drives home the fact that your marriage really is now over.

“I’m not really surprised that you’re feeling a little put out and apprehensive about seeing your ex-husband with your best friend. However, you may find you get on much better with him as a friend than you ever did with him as a husband. It would be a shame to lose such a good friend over this, so please do get in touch with her.

“Tell her it was a bit of a shock to hear her news and that it’s taken you a few days to process it. Let her know that you’re ok now and that you really do wish her well. You may find that just saying it helps you mean it! Being outwardly positive, even when inwardly you feel anything but, can change your mindset. Just keep telling yourself that you’re happy for them both, and it may well happen that you find you are.

“If you still feel you need to talk to someone about it, please think about calling Relate. They will help you think about your feelings and help you to put them into perspective. You don’t mention the partner you left your husband for – can you talk to them about your feelings? Jealousy – because that’s possibly what it is – can be a very destructive emotion and you need to deal with it to save it infecting your new relationship.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.