The problem…

“How soon into a pregnancy can you find out who the father of a child is? Over Christmas, at an office party, I had a fling with one of my husband’s staff. It was stupid and booze-related and quite out of character. Both he and I have avoided one another since.

“The worst thing is, my husband and I have been trying for a child for some time without success. Now I have just missed a period – and I am really worried I am pregnant with this man’s child, rather than my husband’s. I haven’t said anything yet. My husband would be over the moon, but I am sure he would be devastated if he ever found out it wasn’t his.

“I’ve been really stupid, but I don’t know if I could live with the secret of pretending to my husband that it is his child. What on earth do I do? My husband owns the company and I realise it could be particularly awkward with this man working for him.”

Fiona says…

“I think the first thing you really need to do is establish whether or not you are pregnant. You don’t say whether you’ve taken a pregnancy test or not – but do please get hold of one as soon as possible to find out for certain. After all, sometimes periods can be delayed for other reasons, and it is possible that your anxiety could have delayed it, so there is still a chance you may be worrying unnecessarily. If you do turn out to be pregnant, that’s when you have to decide what to do next, and you’ll probably need medical advice and some counselling to help you.

“A non-invasive prenatal paternity test (known as a NIPP) can be taken from the seventh week of pregnancy. It involves a blood sample from the mother and a cheek swap from the father. How you are going to get your husband to give a cheek swab without telling him what happened at the party, I really don’t know. You could, alternatively, ask the other potential father – which means admitting your possible pregnancy to him as well.

“There are other types of paternity tests which can be taken later in the pregnancy, but they are far more invasive and may carry greater risk. If you go to the UK Government website (gov.uk) and look up ‘get a DNA test’ you will find a list of laboratories where a test can be arranged.

“Assuming you are pregnant and decide to go ahead with having the baby, then you are going to need to tell your husband. Whether or not you tell him right away that the baby is possibly not his must be your decision. That is going to be hard on you both and it may be very destructive for your relationship. The fact that you and your husband were trying for a child means that, I imagine, there is also still a chance he is the father. Of course, there is no guarantee though.

“You have the option of not telling him, but could you live with the guilt – and if you told him, would he forgive you? Would your marriage survive? These are all hard questions you need to consider, whether or not you are pregnant. I suggest you take things one step at a time and seek counselling from Relate (relate.org.uk) to help you, as well as to explore what drove you to have the fling in the first place – as your relationship may benefit from addressing that too.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.