The problem…

“Some 10 years ago while I was away at college, I had a passionate affair with one of my fellow students. We were very much an item during term time, but every holiday, I returned to my regular boyfriend, and I think he did the same thing.

“All my fellow students thought we were a couple, and for almost three years, I suppose we were. But we never had anything to do with one another during the holidays. We had our course in common, and a group of close mutual friends around us, but I suppose that was it.

“My college boyfriend and I split up before our course ended. I went home and then about eight years ago, I married my original boyfriend. I know he’s the love of my life, and we are happy together with our two young children. I have no regrets about my past – I enjoyed my time at college and my college affair was part of the reason I had such a good time. The thing is though, that I never told my boyfriend (now husband) about what I got up to while I was away – I never thought it mattered.

“During Covid, a few of my old college friends and I started chatting on Zoom and now they’ve organised a reunion for Christmas. When they started the idea, it was just going to be us former students, but someone has now decided that partners are invited. My husband is keen we should go because, when I was on the course, he was never able to come up and see me.

“What on earth will I do if my old lover is there? What will happen if he says something inappropriate when he sees me, and even if he doesn’t, what if one of my college friends remembers and says something? I would dearly love to see everyone again, but I’m wondering if it would be better not to go at all.”

Fiona says…

“You’ve managed to keep your college life secret from your husband for 10 years, but I wonder if, while you were away, he might have had relationships you don’t know about too. I think you really want to go to this reunion – and you might even quite like the idea of seeing how your lover turned out too!

“I think it would be a shame to miss out on the chance of meeting up with old friends, just on the off chance something untoward might be said. If you really think there is a chance someone might say something inappropriate to your husband, then perhaps you could test the waters before you go.

“Make a joke about whether or not he won’t find it awkward meeting all your old boyfriends and see how he reacts. If he feels as secure in his love for you as you seem to be with him, then I am sure he will treat it quite lightly. Most of us have skeletons in our closets we’d prefer never saw the light of day – I know I do!

“That means many of your fellow ex-students may also be concerned about things they did, people they dated or mistakes they made that they would prefer were never referred to. They will be hoping you don’t reveal their secrets, just as much as you are concerned about yours. It may well be your ex-boyfriend is one of them – worrying, right now, that you’ll turn up and say something in front of his wife!

“Just relax and enjoy the occasion. I suspect your husband has probably long ago guessed that you had a boyfriend or boyfriends while you were away. He’s probably only too pleased though that you chose to come back to him. If something is said and your husband reacts to it, just make that point – that it was him you wanted to be with and him you married, and the other boyfriend was nothing more than a youthful fling.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.