The problem…

“My husband and I recently divorced. We were forced due to the pandemic to continue to live together while the divorce was going through, and it was hugely difficult. All three children have been left very upset by what happened.

“My husband was violent and aggressive and the weeks leading up to when he eventually left were particularly stressful. Thankfully he’s now gone – but all the tension has left its mark and my young children (the eldest is 10) frequently have disturbed nights.

“Although things are much better now for us all, quite often one or the other of them will wake up and crawl into bed with me. I don’t have a problem with this, but friends tell me it is wrong and not good for them. They say I should lock my door or something to stop them.

“I think they have had enough upset in their lives lately, and I don’t really see any harm in it. My mother in particular thinks I should tell them this is something they can’t do any more. Am I right, or is everyone else right?”

Fiona says…

“In principle, I think you’re right, but there are a few important points to bear in mind. When cuddling or sleeping with a child I think what needs to be considered first is whose needs are being met.

“If your children are sleeping with you because you feel sad or lonely or upset, then that is not really healthy for a child of any age. It’s not a child’s job to comfort their parents. Further, if there comes a time when you feel uncomfortable cuddling your child in bed with you, then you should stop. Any discomfort you feel will quickly get communicated to the child and it could confuse them or upset them – especially if they’ve become use to a level of intimacy.

“Bearing all that in mind, the very fact that your children are still having disturbed nights indicates things are still worrying them. I don’t think now would be the moment to start banning them from your room or putting a lock on the door.

“As things settle down though, it’s not a bad idea to encourage them to be more independent. Before too long your 10-year-old will want to go on school trips or stay over at a friend’s house. If you don’t encourage a measure of independence, such events could become traumatic and make it difficult for your children to adapt to new situations.

“Children will often get into bed with their parents when things they want or need aren’t being understood or dealt with during the day. Your husband’s aggression and subsequent departure must have been traumatic for them, but have you really talked about it all? Do spend time talking and listening to your children to give them a chance to talk about what is worrying them – do they blame themselves for their father’s departure, for example?

“Another thing to consider is what you would do if you had a new partner in your life in the future. They might be uncomfortable sharing a bed with your children – let alone the inappropriateness of that happening. Allowing your children to share your bed could become a habit that’s hard to break – for you as well as for them.

“You all need your rest though and you might actually sleep better if you get your bed to yourself, making you better able to cope with bringing up three children alone. If you could encourage your children to think of spending the night in their own beds as a positive thing to do, they might adapt quite naturally without any bans or locked doors.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.